So, I decided to create this blog on the verge of my frustrations about not conceiving as quickly as the 30 percent of women who conceive within the first cycle of trying, nor part of the 85 percent who get pregnant within 12 months of trying. It did help me during those rough weeks but the stress slowly subsided as I browsed through self-help materials online on how to deal with TTC (trying to conceive) frustrations and later on it dawned on me that writing down my frustrations actually make me dwell on them rather than help me get through them, so I stopped updating this blog but didn't want to take it down either, in case I'd feel the need to want to write about it again. Weeks passed by until they became months and months became years and the need to write down my frustrations didn't come to me anymore. There were still moments that I felt down but as time went by I just somehow got used to the "monthly" disappointments of us still not conceiving our baby.
Then came September 2014, when I had to pay my family a visit back in the Philippines after being away for two years, it was supposed to be a vacation of both my husband and I but we had a short notice that we're gonna have to move to French Polynesia for his job. So, we weren't together until two months later when I finally joined him in Tahiti. For some reason, we were thinking that since we've been away from each other for too long it'll result to a beautiful conception on our reunion. A month later my menses started to get delayed (and I'm very regular) so we were almost sure we finally hit the jackpot...at about 5 days delay we did a home pregnancy test and it turned out negative and then I had my period in the afternoon of that same day, I was so sad I literally wept on my husband's arms. I guess the delay was just due to my recent travels back then, I mean I was continent hopping so my body got a bit crazy. We let it pass, he comforted me and after a good cry I felt better and the adventure continued. Until it came to a point when I actually didn't even think I'll be pregnant this month or next month. I totally dropped the expectations to a very low point and the only times I got reminded that we've been trying to conceive is seeing someone's pregnancy announcement on social media or better yet, when someone blatantly asked "when is the baby?" (like it's their concern) but I/we even hardly get affected by these kind of questions either. We were in the phase of just totally enjoying our moments together and the blessings and opportunities that we have been given, we traveled around the beautiful French Polynesian islands, we did our first cruise and we just marveled about the beauty of life and love. Though, there were a few times when we seriously sat down and talked about perhaps needing to see a fertility specialist, one moment we'd say we're gonna do it, mostly we'd say "we'll do it after this vacation" then after the vacation we'd say nuh..let's continue waiting, one day it's gonna work! I'm in my early thirties while he's in his late thirties so yeah, though we don't keep thinking about it anymore sometimes the reality of "time" would just hit us but we don't let the stress linger, it won't make time stop, it'll only make us feel bad and pressured..not good at all!
While we were doing well and enjoying our continued "honeymoon stage", last year some really sad things happened. At the beginning of the second quarter we lost my husband's aunt who was very close to us and at the last quarter we lost my beloved father. It was devastating and of course when we ended up not conceiving last year it was just normal considering all the stress and losses that we had to deal with but we didn't even think about it, it was only this year that we thought about it and we tried to rationalize things but just on a passing conversation not on a really serious stressful way.
When we woke up on the 18th of June, my husband was like "today is an anniversary of something, but it's sad, so..never mind" and right away I understood what he meant. It was on this same day three years ago that we decided "we're up for a baby!" and it still hasn't happened so yeah, it's kind of sad, especially with all the questions and worries around the corner that we don't really wanna bring out and deal with just yet. By the way this was a party-hard weekend, well, the party mood actually started since the 16th (Thursday), when I did my French language exam -which my husband was sure I passed so it was a call for celebration (thankfully I really did pass! lol) and then on Friday and Saturday we went to a back-to-back reggae concert and it was about the same time my period would come and I was feeling all the premenstrual symptoms (or what I thought to be PMS) so I was like, ok, let's party on (without passing out or anything, just a few glasses of alcohol, with my small body build up I can't support so much alcohol and I know my limits, when I start to feel the spirit of the booze I stop). Then came Sunday and still no sign of my period but still feeling the PMS symptoms, I was thinking it'll come in the next few days and when it didn't I started panicking...thinking about the glasses of beer and margarita and a few cigarettes...at about 5 days late I private messaged my best friend and my younger brother (a nurse) who are back in the Philippines and they did a good job calming me down. At 7 days late we bought an HPT kit but my husband wanted us to still wait a couple more days out of fear of getting a false negative and so I tried my best to keep my hands off that kit despite my urge to pee on that stick, I figured he's right and my impulsiveness won't really make things better, if any, it could even cost us another pregnancy kit (which isn't cheap by the way). At 9 days late, we woke up really early together but he did it for work while I did it for the test, well, I barely slept that night so it wasn't really hard getting up, I was so stressed and anxious but at the same time I was telling myself to be strong if ever we were wrong again though this is really the first time I've been this late. I did what I had to do and when I dipped the tester into my morning urine the two red lines instantaneously appeared...God I am SO PREGNANT!! But all those reactions I imagined I would have didn't happen at all, I was just shocked and I was asking myself can I really be happy now? Is this true? And my husband shared the same feeling, of course we were happy right there and then but looking at each other's eyes we saw a little fear of being disappointed again so, we said we'll hold off to that kind of happiness for now and wait for the doctor's confirmation first. By the end of that week we went to see an OB-GYN and she did a transvaginal ultrasound and YES, IT'S CONFIRMED! Yayyyyyy!!! We got out of the doctor's office really happy but still wanting to keep it a secret as much as possible until at least after the first trimester. Now, we're halfway through it and we're continuing to have our fingers crossed. Well, it's really hard to keep it a secret so we ended up telling our family and very few close friends little by little, perhaps by the end of the first trimester everyone will already have been made aware..haha
It is just so amazing, we were feeling sad on the third anniversary of our TTC adventure not knowing that the work of miracle was already on going, life has already started growing inside of me...thinking about this makes my heart skip a beat..it's moving..could be the pregnancy hormones too! It turned out I'm one of the 91 percent who get pregnant within 36 cycles (about three years). It is so hard to contain such joy! Can't wait til my next ultrasound and until I eventually start showing...
To whoever is reading this, you probably stumbled into this blog because you're in about the same situation. I hope this gives you hope. This experience made me so much more sensitive, this opened my eyes to a lot of things. If we had been blessed with a child almost immediately like a lot of women I know, the experience would have been totally different and perhaps I wouldn't feel this much sympathy to those women and couples who are having trouble conceiving. You are all included in my prayers.
