I already had a sign that it'll be a NO again for this month, I had spotting two days ago and it was concluded this morning. I was awaken by a pounding headache and a cramping lower back and abdomen. Instead of getting up to take a medicine, clean up and get drowned with my frustration, I went back to sleep. I didn't want to entertain my frustration immediately. It was already past lunch time when I finally got off of bed and head on with my day. I had breakfast at lunch and did some chores yet I was still feeling a little sour. It's our 8th month trying to conceive so the process is already quite familiar to me but it just does not get any less disappointing. Before, I would try to ignore the feeling of disappointment and try to pretend that everything's okay when deep inside my heart is actually aching. Ignoring it didn't help at all, on the contrary it even made things bad because I end up being so irritable and my husband would take it against him since he didn't have any idea what I was going through emotionally.
Luckily, whenever I don't feel so good there are a few people that I can bug: my husband, my younger brother and a few good friends. Since my husband is at work then I jumped to the next option. My younger brother and I have always been close and yes, I can talk to him about anything and everything. I was fortunate he was available today since he's actually been busy lately with his job as a private nurse. I let out a few sighs of disappointment and just released my frustrations. One thing I love about talking to him is that most of the time he really knows the best thing to say to make me feel better. By the time my husband phoned from work I was already feeling a lot better but I still told him how sorry I was that we still didn't make it this month. He doesn't like it when I say that and then he'd end up saying perhaps the problem is in him which would turn out to be my turn to ask him not to say such things either. I know that we shouldn't be speculating and I realize now that there are actually quite a number of women or couples who are going through the same situation.
When I went to see my OB-Gyn before even planning to get pregnant she told me that I am very healthy and that it won't be so hard for me to conceive a baby. I banked on this idea too much which is why I feel so frustrated whenever I get my period. I never really thought nor imagined the possibility of a long wait and yes, I agree that it's a mistake on my part. But I can't really blame myself for thinking positive and expecting for positive things.
It's already a little sad when we don't get what we hope and pray for but what makes it even worse are the people around us who unhesitatingly tell us to "just relax and it will happen". Don't they think that we were relaxed and hopeful and so damn positive in the beginning until it didn't work for months? The stress and the frustration actually came in when month after month we never get the result that we prayed and worked so hard for. What makes it more hurtful is that most women who ask you to "just relax" are those who can get pregnant with even just their boyfriend's or husband's toothbrush! I actually think it's a little insensitive and yes I do hate it when a friend or an acquaintance asks me why we still don't have a baby assuming it's really that easy to have one. Well, perhaps it was so easy for them but they fail to recognize the fact that not all couples are actually as lucky. It's not a funny feeling when you seem to notice that everyone else is getting pregnant except you but you just have to deal with it. This is where prayer comes in too. When I feel that it's a bit too much, I pray for more patience and yes it helps a lot.
Well, I have maximized "expressing" my frustrations today. So, to you who is reading this, if we are in the same situation then let's continue to be hopeful, enjoy baby dancing and do as Bon Jovi said "keep the faith". If you are on the other side of the story, I hope you understand where I'm coming from.
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